Note: The person and relationship which are referred to in this post, are important to me, but also part of a private matter. It’s not necessary to share details in order to share what I have experienced in this situation. I hope that those who are reading this will be able to relate and know that brokenness is a part of everyone’s life. I just wanted you to know that I am not “vague blogging” to try and get someone’s attention or make a point.
You notice I didn’t say, “It’s time to mend a broken relationship.” Yes, that was on purpose.
The one thing I have learned from this situation is that I can only control my actions and attitude, not anyone else’s.
It’s been over 5 months since I last spoke to someone who is very dear to me. The details of the situation are unimportant, other than I said something I didn’t mean and apologized for it soon after. But, it’s as if I haven’t been forgiven. Or maybe I have been forgiven and I just haven’t been made privy to this important response.
I am in the dark and it’s a horrible place to be. But, through good conversations with supportive loved ones and even a professional counselor, I began to realize that I have done everything that I can do. I apologized and said my peace and I cannot wait around, nor will I beg to be forgiven.
I am a broken person that messes up all of the time. I am thankful to know God, who forgives me always, regardless of whether I forgive myself or am forgiven by others.
I miss this person and the joy that they bring to my life.
Someone said to me: “It’s as if you are breaking up. You have cried your eyes out and gone through all the emotions.”
But the thing is, I don’t want to break up with this person. They are family, and for me that has always been a priority. We have very different personalities, but they still make me laugh and I am always surprised by them.
My hope and prayer always, always is that I will have the opportunity to talk to this person again someday. But it’s not in my hands, anymore. I don’t have any control over the actions of another.
It’s time for me to move on, look forward, continue to pray for this person and my relationship with them. I cannot dwell any longer, it just hurts too much.