Raw

Many times over the last month or so,  I have attempted to sit down and write a post.

But, I’ve stopped myself every time because I thought…

 “That’s too personal, I can’t share that.”

                   “I’m afraid of the response I will receive If I share this.”

I certainly agree that there is such thing as over sharing or passing on details that are inappropriate for more than your closest friends and family.

But I knew it was something that was making me feel so vulnerable that I could not even write it down in my personal journal. of which no one else would see.

So why I am I writing now?

I came out of the fog and gained some clarity. The value of what has been experienced is worth sharing.

Depression is real.

The darkness that spirals in your mind…
Feeling trapped and down trodden…
Hopelessness… is real.

I know that the seasonal and situational depression I experience is temporary compared to the long bouts that many close to me experience on a more regular basis. My sadness lasted only a short time, while someone close to me is experiencing something much deeper and darker for a longer time.

As my spouse told me this week, his battle is my battle too…and it’s something that I have every right to talk to with those I choose…that trust is everything to me.

As I reached out to some dear friends, ready to share a little more about what had been going on in our lives, at least half of the handful I talked to had their own experience with depression, for a reason unique to their own lives.

I discovered that whether you directly are dealing with it, or someone close to you is, it’s a very lonely battle because there is nothing specific that anyone can do to help you. Feelings of guilt when people reach out and there’s no sufficient answer to their questions.

As I gained the courage to share, just the simple texting and email writing, lifted some of the burden of what we had been experiencing.

The best way to be supportive in these difficult situations is just be willing to listen, whether it’s a face to face conversation, phone call or texting. My current reality is that any verbal conversations still seem to be exhausting, but texting has been a life saver.

This week we were raw from conversations and emotions that were intense and deep. As I now look back, there is light and hope and purpose and I am thankful for the low times.

Depression isn’t something to be cured, but it can be managed and it is possible to live with it. As our journey through it continues, I am thankful for the storms, because the dark clouds will move on.

 

4 Comments

  1. Cheryl

    Bruised when no one or no thing is throwing punches. Forcing myself to leave the house when all I want to do is nothing. Being with other people is exhausting and I can’t wait to get home to do what? All the things I love doing, I visit then walk away. I force myself to get involved in something, to commit to something that I really can’t get out of, just to make sure I don’t fade completely. Yes, depression is real, and crippling. Pills may take the edge off, but the dark shadow is still there but the ability to feel life is gone. Seems wrong. My mom suffered from depression and saw it in me at a young age. I refused to believe I was anything but happy, until I looked at what I was physically doing during these “spells.” A whole lot of nothing. What brings me closest to happy is all the volunteer work I do. I am thanked so frequently and all I can say back is “No, really, thank you!” It’s so interesting that lately I have had a deep feeling that I should come talk to you about why I’m not in church every Sunday Now I know why. I’ve never told anyone by my husband and sister. As I write this down for the world to see, I feel giddy. The shame is dissipating. Thank you.

    • emily

      Thank you for your comment, Cheryl and for feeling enough comfort to share your own personal battle.

      I believe in the power of a personal story and that is why I wrote this post. If you or someone who reads this is impacted in a positive way, than it’s more than worth it. I will keep you in prayer.

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