Walls

I wrote this post two and half weeks ago. Since then I have been praying about/contemplating whether to post it or not. While this post makes me vulnerable and reveals part of who I am to you, writing is a form of expression that is far more powerful than a simple status update.

For those who know me and will read this, I hope you won’t try to fill in the details. I wrote in a way that doesn’t call anyone out or name anyone specifically because I care for those who were involved. This was the only way I knew how to share what I was going through.

This post was written solely for my healing. But I know how others and what they have written have moved me.

I need to move forward into a new year with this behind me. Writing this has helped me move forward. I think sharing it with you will help someone out there who might be going through the same thing.

I believe that taking leaps in writing help you grow in the skill and as a person. I want to keep doing that in the new year.

                     *********************************************************

I know this is going to be a really difficult post to write.

And I wonder why I feel compelled to share this with the world.

I process and grow through my writing. And I could easily write this down in a private journal and keep it to myself. However, I know that this struggle I am dealing with might help someone else.

I have trust issues.

This is a fairly new thing for me to confess.

One thing I know very well about myself is that I trust people very easily. I am perhaps naive enough to see the good in people right away. And I learned that about myself quite a while ago.

Some people are quite the opposite. It takes time for them to trust anyone. I’m that way if I think someone is fake or shallow or not really interested in me or what I have to say.

But if someone talks to me and wants to listen to me, I just trust them.

Awhile ago, I experienced a series of events that led to difficulties in trusting, period.

Emotionally, a group of people that I had trusted so seamlessly, turned their back on me (at least that is how I felt).

It was one of the most painful experiences I had ever had. And it was in one of the most loving, grace- filled places I had ever been a part of.

I didn’t realize it until quite a few months later after I had moved on, but these walls, that I didn’t even know existed within me, came up.

These walls have stayed up over an extended period of time, which is something that is really hard for me to admit.

With the walls up, I feel like a different person.  Emotionally, I have kept my distance as I have met new people and built new relationships. These walls have kept me from moving forward in certain aspects of my identity. These walls have kept some of my closest friends at arm’s length.

I took the steps to forgive the people and events that brought the walls up. But they didn’t come down like I thought they would.

Life kept going, yet I continued to struggle.

This week, I had an experience where I finally felt like I was letting my guard down and stepping out from behind those walls.

It was scary.

At the same time, it was wonderful to truly feel the embrace of people’s caring spirit, instead of distrusting it from a distance.

I don’t think the walls have disappeared completely and I certainly acknowledge that. But, I also know that sharing these thoughts (whether you end of up seeing them or not), at least gives me a chance to peak out from behind those tall, stone walls (that is what I imagine when I talk about them), which I feel like I’ve been hiding behind for so long.

And I know that God is present with me, whether I am firmly standing behind the walls or peaking my head out to see what’s going on in the wide open space out there.

And the people in my life that love me, whether they know the whole story, or only bits and pieces, they are there too.

                     *********************************************************

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *